Perhaps, more slow poisonous than the polluted (via chemical farming)
milk and vegetables that we have, is the relationship space that is
polluted by our unconsciousness and a society that sustains and
facilitates it to flourish. As our unconscious parts flourish, they
gradually acquire cancerous properties and infiltrate into the space of
relationships. While polluted food kills and debilitates the body, a
polluted relationship space debilitates the spirit. Life starts to loose
meaning.
Most of us would have gone through conflicts
in relationships. Marriages and other intimate relationships are
especially prone to this as the conflict and its dangers are so close
and many times, there seemingly is no escape. I see this all too often
all around me. In this article I have attempted to share the theory that
I have learnt from my teachers in various ways and the practical
knowledge that I have gained as I have try to apply the theory in my own
life and as a budding yoga therapist.
To begin with,
lets take the classical (and almost eternal) conflict – daughter in law
(DIL) vs mother in law (MIL) as an example. At the time of the
commencement of the relationship, typically the DIL is around the age of
25 and the MIL is around the age of 55. The DIL, being young, generally
wants/needs to do things. That, traditionally in India, the DIL is
expected to leave the comfort zone of her family and move to her in laws
house would clearly destabilise her inner environment and make her wary
and suspicious of everything around her. Add to this the tradition of
the suffering DIL stories, she is already quite fearful and fully
guarded to protect herself in case of any threat.
The
mother in law being the sole custodian of some of the characteristics of
her son until now, is also wary of the new competition despite all the
outward celebrations. Add to this all the stories of the daughter in law
breaking the family, the mother in law is also quite fearful and fully
guarded to protect the integrity of the family from the new intruder.
The situation is already a heady mixture waiting to explode.
Life
being what it is, will relentlessly flow on and keep throwing up new
complexities. If one is not ready to face it with all its uncertainties,
one is certain to screw up. Patanjali warns about this
परिणामताप संस्कार दुःखैः गुणवृत्तिविरोधाच्चदुःखमेव सर्वं विवेकिनः
pariṇāmatāpa saṁskāra duḥkhaiḥ guṇa-vṛtti-virodhācca duḥkham-evasarvaṁ vivekinaḥ ||2.15||
Changes, cravings and habit patterns cause our characteristics to behave in a manner that cause suffering.
हेयंदुःखमनागतम्
heyaṁduḥkham-anāgatam ||2.16||
Avoid suffering whose seed has not yet been planted
But,
sadly, rare is the individual who does this. So, a very simple
situation such as going to a movie can lead to conflicts. For example,
the MIL may want to go to a movie and the DIL may not want to go to the
movie. But, how does one deal with it? Both yes and no
will complicate the situation. A yes when DIL actually wants to say no,
will make her feel like someone who has no control over the choices she
makes in her life. A no, when MIL wants/demands an yes, will make MIL
feel disrespected. Of course, this may not happen on the first time but
it sows the seed. But, gradually, over a course of interactions in
challenging situations, tensions will build up and the seed starts to
manifest. In either case, either DIL or MIL will feel like a Victim.
A Victim is
someone who feels they have been dealt a raw deal by life. There are
many kinds of victims and the Mahabharatha has two classic kinds – that
of Karnan and Draupadi. Karnan is a victim of fate and he has no
particular individual to blame for his fate. Despite being an equal to
all the great warriors of his era, he was never given his due because of
his birth. Draupadi is a victim of human conspiracy and she clearly
knows whom to blame. Each kind of victim will involve a different kind
of psychological process. In the above example of the conflict between
DIL and MIL, both parties would feel like the victim in the sense of
draupadi and they would be blaming the other person. To add to this, if
either of them were not so keen on the wedding and had to agree to the
wedding due to circumstances, there could also be a victim ala karnan
sitting inside them. When, these two victims interact, there starts a
process that will lead to countless cyclical actions.
Once there is a victim, there will be accumulation of pain. Pain is
not something that any human likes. Hence, defence mechanisms to protect
oneself from the pain will kick in. This defender within can be called
the Guardian. This guardian while trying to guard this
individuals pain will also gradually develop offensive characteristics
and will also attack the other party thereby bringing into play the
Victim and the Guardian in the other party. Each triggers the other
action and this could be the primary cyclical action.
Now,
this is the foundational cyclical action that is showed over and over
again all over in the TV serials and is really a never ending mega
drama. But the cycles are not really restricted to this. It gets complex
as people in an otherwise non-warring society have lot of energy to
waste. Hence, like these two characteristics (or personas, if they
sufficiently harden), further personas will be developed. In order to
further offend/hurt the other person, the guardian for example may spawn
another characteristic who will scheme to score further gains. This
scheming person, like Sakuni in Mahabharatha, can be called the
Manipulator. If the other persons is also skilled in playing such
schemes, they may also spawn a manipulator or may become more fearsome
and may reinforce the victim further.
This gradually becomes so extremely complex that there is absolutely
no opening to even start solving this. If the reader understands this
experientially (in any relationship), only then one can get a feel of
how complex is this. One just needs to get in touch with the sense of
hurt, sense of being let down etc in a relationship to identify the
victim. The actions one then takes to hurt the other, put them on a
guilt trip etc is the guardian.
To further complicate
this, because these two people who have this cyclical behavioural
pattern in their relationship do not exist in a vacuum, other people in
the family will get involved and they will create further cyclical
actions. The MIL and the FIL will themselves be involved in such
unconscious actions which their son would have internalised. For
example, like in many middle class Indian families, if the dad is a
dominating person who makes decisions and overrides the wife in crucial
decisions, the son would have imbibed these characteristics and would be
manifesting it in his own unique ways. This will only serve to further
reinforce the victim-hood of the daughter in law.
Like
this, we can keep adding every new item in the relationship diagram
until becomes one hell of a complex situation and that is how reality
is. The following diagram just tries to capture how complex things can
get.
The yoga approach to this complex situation is to discover an yet unknown, undiscovered persona within. This is the
observer
within who can observe all of this in an impartial unaffected manner.
As the strength of this observer increases, the individual has the
ability to step outside of these cycles and actually respond instead of
repeatedly doing the same pattern of behaviour. Patanjali says that such
an observer exists and can be discovered within.
क्लेशकर्म विपाकाशयैःपरामृष्टःपुरुषविशेष ईश्वरः
kleśakarma vipāka-āśayaiḥ-aparāmṛṣṭaḥ puruṣa-viśeṣaīśvaraḥ ||1.24||
Ishwara is that special observer who has never gotten caught in any negative reinforcement cycle.
These
kind of cyclical behaviours are so draining. I have experienced this
personally and seen it in outside too many times. The example of DIL and
MIL above is just an example. This can be seen in almost all
relationships. For example, if the husband and wife have a certain kind
of behaviour pattern, they may pass on their behaviour to their kids.
For example, the husband may pass on his cynicism on women to his son
and the wife may pass on her feeling of being victimised by men to her
daughter. So, later on in their life, any conflict in relationships
between the siblings will lead to a reincarnation of the behaviour
pattern between their parents. The son will carry project his dads
cynicism of women on his sister and the daughter will carry forward her
mothers feeling of being victimised by men on her brother. Similar
patterns can be seen in marital relationships also. Unless the
individual discovers the observer within and consciously steps out of
these patterns of behaviour, there can be no end to these. Despite being
quite hard, yoga offer this hope.
The basic idea is
that if the individual discovers the observer, the various personas
gradually stop to loose hold on the individual. The victim persona heals
itself and can then spread the fragrance of healing to other humans –
thereby becoming the healer. The guardian becomes a warrior who will
step only when there is a dharmic issue at stake and not otherwise. The
sakuni kind of manipulator may become the krishna kind of manipulator
who strategises for dharma and not for selfish interests. Such a
transformation is truly fantastic but requires a lot of hardwork. For
starters, just discovering even a weak notion of the observer is quite
challenging. This is where a yoga therapist or a healer can come in
handy. They can act as the observer and can help put the two individuals
in touch with their various personas. But, for this, there is a need
for tremendous sincerity from both parties seeking counselling. This is
because, intellectually accepting this is very different from actually
bringing about a change on the ground. That requires tremendous hard
work over significant amount of time.
In the presence of the observer, some of the virulent characteristics
subside and the individual is able to observe the personas within
oneself and the other person involved in the relationship. This shows
the seeds for amelioration of the relationship because for the first
time the individual is looking at oneself and the other person from a
deeper perspective. This is described by the following yoga sutra
ध्यानहेयाः तद्वृत्तयः
dhyānaheyāḥ tad-vṛttayaḥ ||2.11||
Getting in touch with that observer softens the internal fluctuations of the mind.
But
this is a tricky situation for the yoga therapist because getting into
such an engagement with the relationships in conflict is like entering
into a chakravyuham – entry is easier than exit. One can easily become
an abhimanyu and enter with aplomb but get stuck there.
Hence, an exit strategy is a must. The exit strategy should be something
of a time bound effort before which at least one, and if possible both
participants should develop their own observers fairly well and then
start to engage with each other after that. At this point the therapist
vacates the scene. To be able to develop this ability, the therapist
should have been practising asana/pranayama every day for a long time.
Only then the whole being will cooperate to accomplish this.
As all the needs of the unconscious personas are resolved within, the
interactions are gradually reconstructed. A better and more healthy
behaviour pattern comes into place. But this takes tremendous, sincere
and consistent effort. To realise that if we do not know all the
impurities within and cleanse them, they are bound to cause future
suffering needs lot of effort. Patanjali says,
क्लेशमूलःकर्माशयो दृष्टादृष्टजन्मवेदनीयः
kleśa-mūlaḥkarma-aśayo dṛṣṭa-adṛṣṭa-janma-vedanīyaḥ ||2.12||
Action based on impurities will cause suffering in the foreseeable or unforeseeable future.
Regular
effort to go towards the goal of building healthy relationships and
abstaining from things that take us away must be present. There will be
many obstacles in the path. One has to build the necessary potential
through regular practice, sincerity and constant reminder. Patanjali
says
अभ्यासवैराग्याभ्यांतन्निरोधः
abhyāsa-vairāgya-ābhyāṁtan-nirodhaḥ ||1.12||
सतु दीर्घकाल नैरन्तर्यसत्कारादरासेवितो दृढभूमिः
satu dīrghakāla nairantarya satkāra-ādara-āsevito dṛḍhabhūmiḥ||1.14||
श्रद्धावीर्यस्मृतिसमाधिप्रज्ञापूर्वकइतरेषाम्
śraddhā-vīrya-smṛtisamādhi-prajñā-pūrvaka itareṣām ||1.20||
Patanjali further says,
तपःस्वाध्यायेश्वरप्रणिधानानिक्रियायोगः
tapaḥsvādhyāy-eśvarapraṇidhānāni kriyā-yogaḥ ||2.1||
Self cleansing leading to increased potency, self analysis and equanimity are essential to progress in Yoga.
All
the healed and conscious personas are anchored on the observer within
and then from then on a healthy relationship is constructed. At this
point one can say the healing process for the current situation can be
considered to be completed.
At this point, the old behaviour pattern is gone and a new behaviour pattern has come about. This is captured by the sutra
तज्जस्संस्कारोऽन्यसंस्कारप्रतिबन्धी
tajjas-saṁskāro-'nya-saṁskārapratibandhī ||1.50||
Thus, one behaviour pattern is cleansed and a completely new pattern is established.
As a new relationship pattern blooms there, the minds of the two
individuals are always in a pleasant state as they are able to produce
appropriate responses to various states in the relationships. This is
captured by the sutra
मैत्रीकरुणा मुदितोपेक्षाणांसुखदुःखपुण्यापुण्यविषयाणां भावनातःचित्तप्रसादनम्
maitrīkaruṇā mudito-pekṣāṇāṁ-sukha-duḥkhapuṇya-apuṇya-viṣayāṇāṁ bhāvanātaḥ citta-prasādanam||1.33||
When
one is able to behave with friendship, compassion, joy & equanimity
in relationships when the state of relationship is happiness, sadness,
dharmic and non-dharmic, then the mind is filled with total
pleasantness.
