Sarathy: Who is asking this question - the victor or the looser?
Partha: I do not know.
Sarathy: Or may be is it the competitor?
Partha: I intellectually know that I am not in charge. But, that does not prevent me from trying. The urge to try is always there. Circumstances demand action. Is it not?
Sarathy: Go on
Partha: So, I do things and forget about who is in charge until some kind of unpleasant situation, a failure, hits me.
Sarathy: So then?
Partha: Now I start to question the motives with which I was working. The failure rankles me. I come running to you for succour.
Sarathy: Well, what more do you need to know?
Partha: Ill get back to my original question. How many times should I go through this cycle to forever remember that I am not in charge and not only when failure slaps me on my face. So that, I can work effectively and not worry about consequences, no matter how big or trivial?
Sarathy: What are these failures that you are talking about?
Partha: Ohh! There are countless and endless varieties of them. There are minor and major ones. The minor ones hit you everyday. You know there are days when one gets up late, have minor skirmishes with people at home, share auto drivers cheat you, go late to work and face a stern boss who does not like late coming. Then, there are the major ones. Mismatches between the right kind of life - in every sphere that is - social / economic / political / personal / spiritual and the actual kind of life one is living in all these spheres?
Partha: When a failure hits home, all the past habit patterns resurge. The mind does not like this state, races and wants to pick up a fight with everyone from the past where there has been a failure - the music teacher who does not keep up commitment, the insurance agent who does not do what he was supposed to and is not even apologetic in the least about it, friends who have not kept up their word etc.
Sarathy: Accepting these defeats rankles you isnt it?
Partha: Yes. I feel why should I loose these little battles when I could have so easily won them
Sarathy: Are you afraid of loosing them or are you pissed off with they winning?
Partha: Well, its both but I do feel that the former is the majority.
Sarathy: Cool. Thats probably true.
Partha: So then, what next?
Sarathy: The masculine nature hates to loose. The feminine nature is afraid to loose. But, when both are well developed, the masculine does most things correctly. Satisfied with it, it rests in peace. The feminine, now not under the burden of the stuttering and struggling masculine, understands that it is a complex world and results are consequencs of the complex interactions of countless factors in the web of causality. Hence, it also rests in peace.
Sarathy: There are is no easy formula. Your life defines both the problem and the solution. Hold on to the desire that you want this more than anything else and figure out your own answers after listening to other answers around. Gradually, with patience and training, both masculine and feminine are well developed and then the masculine develops the ability to do everything correctly to the best possible extent and the feminine sees the play of god everywhere and gracefully surrenders to it. This process is called Yoga and there are many tools available to help you in this. These tools are useful in that they reduce the habit patterns that gets you in trouble and helps provide glimpse of the higher state often enough so that one remembers the higher state even in moments of great failure.
Sarathy: After years of such practice, suddenly you will discover that the higher state is your natural state. In this meantime, its useful to see that everyone has their battle to fight. May be from their perspective, you are not doing something right. If you, Partha with so much exposure in life, have so much difficulty in facing tough situations in life, imagine the plight of folks who have not had such varied exposure. Practice compassion in all relationships. Also, do not castigate yourself for the anger that arises in you. Simply, get back to these relationships with humility and the firm resolve to set them right. Some tools like asana, pranayama, meditation, traditional art forms, chanting the divine name, training the mind to be aware of internal and external happenings and being in the present moment, company of people with similar interest, participating in activities that truly benefit mankind help. Finally, in the long term, work to develop yourself continually by trying to find out the optimal state of life for you - where you are externally happy, internally peaceful and socially responsible. A work life where you are passionate about what you do for starters, may be?
Partha: Yes you are right. Ill try as you suggest. One last question. How long would it take for that higher state you talk about to come about in me permanently?
Sarathy: Now, its my turn to get back to my original answer. Who is asking this question and why? :