Sunday, March 24, 2013

Quotes from Arbinger Institute FB page

Whenever there has been trouble in any relationship, these quotes have helped me immensely. Silent reflection of these quotes is certain to help one master the demons within and get back into the relationship in a most healthy manner. A most wonderful resource for those who want resources to help see their inner selves clearly in the mirror of relationships.


Nothing will make us so charitable and tender to the faults of others as by self-examination thoroughly to know our own. (Francois de Fenelon)

While we are caught in the bondage of self-betrayal, the prospect of giving up our accusing feelings and being responsive to others seems extremely hard, if not impossible... But when we allow ourselves to leave the box we discover that we have lost nothing. What we thought was such a staggering sacrifice seems now to have been no sacrifice at all. (Arbinger, Results. The Secret)

When we let go of our offense-taking and waive our demand for justice, it clears a space in which others can let down their guard and be emotionally truthful with themselves. (C. Terry Warner)

When our hearts go to war, we ourselves have chosen it. (The Anatomy of Peace)

When others' behavior offends us, we are finding in it justification or excuse for our own wrongdoing. (Arbinger Institute, "What We Are")

Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience. (Byron Katie)

As long as we hold onto how this or that person hurt or dishonored us, we are trapped in a dance of suffering with that person forever. We feel their abuse every time that person enters our thoughts. Again and again we must relive the suffering, calling it up over and over, as if by sheer repetition we can erase the tape. (Wayne Muller)

If we were emotional victims, then our situation would be hopeless. We couldn't change fundamentally. We could only hope to keep away from the people who bother us. But since many of our emotional problems are of our own making, it is within our power to stop creating them. (Arbinger Principles)

I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people -to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole. (Lauren Oliver)

When we are at peace with ourselves, we have no need or desire to speak ill of others.

Sometimes the way we see ourselves isn't the truth. When we are part of the problem we don't see it. In fact, we tend to resist the idea that we could be at fault. (Think of the most annoying person you've ever been around. Did *they* think they were a problem?) So we must learn to ask ourselves, "What is the truth about me... REALLY?" (The Question Handbook, Arbinger)

From within the box, passions, beliefs, and personal needs seem to divide us. When we get out of the box, however, we learn that this has been a lie... If we have beliefs we cherish, then we know how important others' beliefs must be to them. (The Anatomy of Peace)

There is a question I have learned to ask myself when I am feeling bothered about others: am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of them? (The Anatomy of Peace)

When I betray myself, others' faults become immediately inflated in my heart and mind. I begin to 'horribilize' others. That is, I begin to make them out to be worse than they really are. And I do this because the worse they are, the more justified I feel. (The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict)

Because another is unkind to you is no justification of your own unkindness, but rather is a call for the exercise of great kindness on your part... Your unkindness may provoke hurt in others, but it certainly hurts and wounds and impoverishes yourself most of all. (James Allen)

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. (Viktor E. Frankl)

I must try to see the difference between *my* picture of a person and their behavior, as it is egoistically distorted, and the person’s reality as it exists beyond my own interests, needs, and fears. (adapted, Erich Fromm)

Despite our best efforts, we may find that some battles are unavoidable. Some around us will inevitably choose war. May we in those cases... remember that while certain outward battles may need to be fought, they can nevertheless be fought with hearts that are at peace. (The Anatomy of Peace, p. 224)

Those times when we feel most miserable, offended, or angry are invariably the occasions when we're also most absorbed in ourselves and most anxious or suspicious or fearful, or in some other way concerned about ourselves. (C. Terry Warner)

Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business. (Thomas Merton)

It is easy to reject those who have mistreated me. After all, why would I want anything to do with them? But I myself would feel lonely indeed if everyone I mistreated chose to turn away from me... For it is precisely our turning from each other that is the source of our pain. (Arbinger Institute, The Choice in Families)

The telltale sign of self-betrayal is needing to concoct a self-justifying story. When we act with integrity, according to what we genuinely feel is right, we have nothing to cover up... we don't have to spend any effort trying to make it *seem* right. (See Bonds That Make Us Free, p.37)

Blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault we find with others, no matter how much we blame, it does not improve us. Blaming others diminishes us. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off ourselves when we're looking for external reasons to explain our unhappiness or frustration. (adapted, Wayne W. Dyer)

Never nurture self-pity - it is addictive, gives fleeting pleasure and separates us from reality. When we pity ourselves all we see is ourselves. Self-pity destroys everything around it except itself. (Anonymous)

He who closes his ears to the views of others shows little confidence in the integrity of his own views. (William Congreve)

We typically think our inner peace depends on how others treat us. I would like to suggest something different: Our inner peace depends on how we treat and see others. (Duane Boyce)

He who is troubled and disturbed about the faults of others is far from truth; he who is troubled and disturbed about his own faults is very near to the gate of wisdom. (James Allen, Above Life's Turmoil)

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