"Am I afraid?" I pose this question to myself every time I am in an introspective mood. Invariably the answer is yes. The follow up question would be 'What is it that I am afraid of?' Invariably, I am unable to nail it. I am not able to make a roster of things that scare me to death. Is it that the list (if it exists) is too complex for me to put down or is it that I am confused? Or is it just that I am afraid to face reality? Is it the same with everyone else too?
Our lives these days are full of "Fear". At every stage of our lives we fear. From the little kid to the dying old man.... all have fear.
Fear of failing, fear of falling, fear of not getting admission into school, fear of not getting a job, fear of loving, fear of being loved, fear of loneliness, fear of being in a crowd, fear of not getting married, fear of not having an affair, fear of having a relationship, fear of not having a relationship, fear of not finding the right partner, fear of infections, fear of diseases, fear of being adventurous, fear of not having a good luxurious life, fear of speaking, fear of not being liked, fear of being judged.... and the list goes on! Just endless!
Lets forget the fears of physical harm and look more at the emotional fears. These emotional fears take a huge toll on our lives. We are no more what we are. We hide ourselves in a cocoon of fears and portray a completely different "self" fitting into all the norms and patterns that which the society calls "Normal". As time progresses, we get sufficiently inured to these fears that we start fearing losing these fears coz we become the sum total of all our fears. We become non-entities without our fears.
The classic example of fear taking a toll would be the unfortunate truth that our 'likes' and 'dislikes' are dictated by our fears. Fear of being judged a non-conformist, fear of being rejected, fear of being a failure, fear of not being accepted and many other variants of these fears decides what we like and what we don't like. Thus, we set agendas to our emotions. Starting from the simplest thing to the most significant things, our fears rule the roost.
This split within ourselves, between what we actually are and what our fear makes us be, has horrifying consequences. It reduces a human, full of emotions and possibilities, into a machine at best and a corpse at worst. Externally, the person has a shape and form, but internally, unbeknownst to the rest of the world, the person has a totally differnt shape and form. A large chunk of the persons life is wasted in arbitrating the fight between these two parts. Just contemplate for a minute about the scenario when this fight stops. In my humble opinion, its so splendorous and wonderful. The possibilities are huge and the person will live his/her life to the fullest.
The fact is, we all suffer from "Multiple Personality Disorder(MPD)". We mask ourselves into different personalities and portray them as and when it fits. Why is it then only a few people are treated for MPD??... when the whole society is sufferring from this disorder? Can something be done about this?
Unless our fears do not harm anyone else and also we do not land up being "paranoids of fear", affecting ourselves completely, it is reasonable to have some amount of fear. The best we can do is, stop doubting everything and anything and stop having agendas for our emotions! Just be ourselves and give room for some lunacy every now and then and let our emotions flow.
After a month long of continuous fear, introspection, retrospection, discussion with friends... I have been able to answer my question partially...
Atleast now, I can face the reality and proudly say that "Yes, I am afraid" and treat myself with some lunacy that we all crave for, but never really have the courage to do it in real because we are all bugged by the huge bug of "Fear"!